Monday, February 15, 2010

I'm back -

It has been exactly 9 months and 6 days since my last blog. (This is what that sounds like to me, Dear Mary full of grace it has been 9 months and 6 days since my last confession.) I felt like blogging was taking up too much of my life. I am sad to say that I fell out of the practice of it quite easily. But looking back I realized that was an outlet that caused me to write more often that I have without it, and for that reason (and a strange dream from Kelly Bruce) I am back. (Please, hold your applause until the end :)

I have seen many types of blogs. There are the very spiritual teaching blogs. The blogs that detail the journey of ...whatever...losing weight, stop smoking, houses remodeled. You know what I mean. Don't get me wrong...all good. Just not for me. Not saying I will never do one of those things, just that I see this as different all together.

In 2009 I got a prophetic word from a friend that when I turned 31, big stuff was going to happen , good stuff. I heard from countless people that this next year was OUR year.

It has been a while so let me catch you up

About 9 months ago our family started on a new journey. We will call it, owning your own business. (picture me throwing up as I type it) We had recently bought a house, which I had desired for a looooooonnngg time. So here we are, spending days lounging by my new pool, the kids running around our beautiful yard all summer, enjoying space and comfort and my heart full of thankfulness that God finally saw fit to answer my prayers (or moans). Things are good. I mean really good. And you know what God is good too. I am on staff at my church and experiencing great growth. I am finding my true identity. I am embracing myself and loving myself for the first time in a long time. Billy is getting lots of jobs for his new business. I have started a new workout program that I love and guess what: it's working. My kids are happy, my mom is a happy, I am happy and Billy is happy (or so I think).

A little time goes by.

Billy now informs me that money is getting tight and we need to be careful what we spend. Hey, I am on board with that. (As long as it doesn't affect me idea of my perfect comfortable new life) My mom informs me that she is having some pain in her abdomen. (my thinking...she is going to be fine, just needs some medicine) Then as Christmas arrives I find that money being tight has moved to money being GONE. We prepare the kids for a lean Christmas. They cry and are sad, but alas we make it through and they were blessed, as were we. Not because we got stuff, but because God is Good.

Then we go from "money's tight", to "money's gone" to "we are in debt." So we start unloading stuff. Dish network - gone. Internet - gone (Have to say we had to get that one back, sheesh who can live without the Internet). Home phone - gone. New great workout - gone :( Cars - traded in. Eating out - gone. Buying whatever I need whenever I need it - gone. You get the picture. Diagnoses comes back from the Dr. - cancer. Billy's business - goes under. Now we are faced with a number of things. One of things was reconciling the "GOOD" God I talk about to my actual reality. I was scared, angry, insecure just to start with. This has led me to finding out some truths I really needed to learn.

1. God is always good.
~Even when my circumstances are not.
2. Billy is not the problem. I am.
~I have found in the midst of this situation I have too may times, reacted in a way that is not very encouraging and secretly in my heart blamed him.
3. Billy is not my source. God is.
~I have learned to have faith in every one of these circumstances.
4.I love my husband
~I have learned again that we have a "no matter what" marriage.

So where are we now...We are both looking for jobs. Mom is on her third round of Chemo coming this Wednesday. We are still in a lot of debt. I am going to have to put Maddie in daycare when I find a job. We are trying to keep our house, that is still uncertain. We are praying everyday for the provision of the Lord. We are on a journey to become whole and that hurts. On every level of relationship (mom, husband, kids, family, friends) God is calling me to go deeper. This is our season of loss.

But, I have gained so much. I think it will be easier to distinguish that in hindsight. Oh, I can't wait for hindsight. But until then I will say God is always good to me!!! I really believe it. Even in loss, God is still always good. I know there are many of you have much more tragic stories than mine, but that is just it. This in mine. Anyway, I don't even know if anyone will read this. You have probably all removed me from you list. I wonder if this is like the tree analogy. If a blog is written and no one reads it, is it still a blog??

8 comments:

jen said...

I will not say we have been in your situation, but we have been without jobs and without certainty and it was a faith-shaking time. God used that time to bring us back to Him and back to each other. By His grace we only went through a few months of rough journey. What I learned is that even when we feel most abandoned by everyone/thing else - God remains the constant. Reading your blog is encouraging to me and I am thrilled that you are back. I will pray for you guys and your situation. Just a side note - I think your friends were right when they said it was your year, just in a different way. The journey you are on with God right now is something you will neve forget. When you are delivered from this situation you will look back and realize how far in your faith you have come and how much deeper your relationship with God has become. This year may not be prosperous financially, but spiritually you are growing in phenominal ways! Praise Him in the storm and in the meantime I will pray that very soon He bless your socks off!

God's Warrior Bride said...

I love so much when you share from your heart as you have in this blog. I too am going to a season of loss - it's hard - it's gut wrenching - it's heart break and it's healing. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction in terms? Since my last post - my brother-in-laws cancer has returned, gone away and returned again, my mother's health is failing daily, my family is being scattered to in the wind, my friends are falling by the way side and for once in my life, I can't change a thing-which is good. Another contradiction. God is in control and He just doesn't need my help - which He is reminding me on a daily basis. It is such a harsh reality for me, but also a growing, stretching, reforming and transforming time for me. For the first time in my life, I am loosing control and it's doesn't seem to be bothering me as it use to. Thus the confirmation that I am no longer in stasis, but I am becoming more alive that I ever thought possible.

This past week has been the most traumatic week I have ever had to endure, but I find that I have come out of it totally intact. My heart, mind, emotions and everything else held firm - no feelings of insecurity, no wanting to take up offense, no wanting to get even and no more putting on the clothes of offense. (Really doesn't sound like me, huh?) It's because it isn't me it's the Father in me and I must admit it is a much nicer place than where I came from.

Thank you so much for your words of kindness this past Sunday. You lifted me up more than you will ever know. All of my prayers are with you and your family. God has only the best for you and you don't have to settle for anything less. LY
-

Pamelotta said...

I'm so glad you're back (insert heavy sigh of relief). I know I don't really have a right to say that having abandoned the blogging world myself over a year ago, but your writing is so good and refreshing and honest. I really do miss it. You have a way with words and an ability to draw people into your story. I realize it's not just a story but because I feel like I'm watching you go through all of this and sometimes going through it with you, I wanted to leave a more objective comment.

Keep setting people free with the truth!
Love you!

CALL ME MCKEE said...

thank you for truth

kelly said...

I'm so proud of you! I love you, and I love your family! So glad that the lord has brought us together.

Garcia House said...

Change and life is hard. I thank you and I miss hearing your heart. As most of the others have written seems like everyone is going though one thing or another. Starting over turning the page is hard. The one thing thing I can say is that God is good. I can say now my heart is hurt, wounded, scared I feel abandoned, BUT though this I know God is there. When all else fails God is there and we are in his plan....
And Gods plan is right on time all the time...

Tai Ann McClendon said...

I am glad you are blogging. I love hearing your heart. Thanks for sharing. Paul and I are praying and hoping for you guys. We are still in the same boat. A rough season with lots of learning....soon and very soon hindsight will be here. Until then, know your words are comforting to me, knowing that we are not alone in the struggle.

Bryan and Becky said...

A year and a half ago I had to decide...that God is good and that HE was for me and not against me. For a year I had to just focus on that. And now...I am free. Free from that thinking that God was there to strike me down with bad. :) He has my best interest at heart and He has your best interest at heart also!
I also was completely stripped from everything that could possibly bring me stability and identity...except...Him. I have dreams, I have desires, but I am complete in whatever comes my way. WOW. Completely opposite of where I used to be!
My theme song for the past year and a half as had to be..."Your Love Never Fails"...
Nothing can seperate...even if I ran away...your love never fails.
I know I still make mistakes, but you have new mercies for me everyday...your love never fails. You stay the same through the ages, your love never changes, there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid, because I know that you love me. Your love never fails!...You make all thing work together for my good!"