Monday, February 15, 2010

I'm back -

It has been exactly 9 months and 6 days since my last blog. (This is what that sounds like to me, Dear Mary full of grace it has been 9 months and 6 days since my last confession.) I felt like blogging was taking up too much of my life. I am sad to say that I fell out of the practice of it quite easily. But looking back I realized that was an outlet that caused me to write more often that I have without it, and for that reason (and a strange dream from Kelly Bruce) I am back. (Please, hold your applause until the end :)

I have seen many types of blogs. There are the very spiritual teaching blogs. The blogs that detail the journey of ...whatever...losing weight, stop smoking, houses remodeled. You know what I mean. Don't get me wrong...all good. Just not for me. Not saying I will never do one of those things, just that I see this as different all together.

In 2009 I got a prophetic word from a friend that when I turned 31, big stuff was going to happen , good stuff. I heard from countless people that this next year was OUR year.

It has been a while so let me catch you up

About 9 months ago our family started on a new journey. We will call it, owning your own business. (picture me throwing up as I type it) We had recently bought a house, which I had desired for a looooooonnngg time. So here we are, spending days lounging by my new pool, the kids running around our beautiful yard all summer, enjoying space and comfort and my heart full of thankfulness that God finally saw fit to answer my prayers (or moans). Things are good. I mean really good. And you know what God is good too. I am on staff at my church and experiencing great growth. I am finding my true identity. I am embracing myself and loving myself for the first time in a long time. Billy is getting lots of jobs for his new business. I have started a new workout program that I love and guess what: it's working. My kids are happy, my mom is a happy, I am happy and Billy is happy (or so I think).

A little time goes by.

Billy now informs me that money is getting tight and we need to be careful what we spend. Hey, I am on board with that. (As long as it doesn't affect me idea of my perfect comfortable new life) My mom informs me that she is having some pain in her abdomen. (my thinking...she is going to be fine, just needs some medicine) Then as Christmas arrives I find that money being tight has moved to money being GONE. We prepare the kids for a lean Christmas. They cry and are sad, but alas we make it through and they were blessed, as were we. Not because we got stuff, but because God is Good.

Then we go from "money's tight", to "money's gone" to "we are in debt." So we start unloading stuff. Dish network - gone. Internet - gone (Have to say we had to get that one back, sheesh who can live without the Internet). Home phone - gone. New great workout - gone :( Cars - traded in. Eating out - gone. Buying whatever I need whenever I need it - gone. You get the picture. Diagnoses comes back from the Dr. - cancer. Billy's business - goes under. Now we are faced with a number of things. One of things was reconciling the "GOOD" God I talk about to my actual reality. I was scared, angry, insecure just to start with. This has led me to finding out some truths I really needed to learn.

1. God is always good.
~Even when my circumstances are not.
2. Billy is not the problem. I am.
~I have found in the midst of this situation I have too may times, reacted in a way that is not very encouraging and secretly in my heart blamed him.
3. Billy is not my source. God is.
~I have learned to have faith in every one of these circumstances.
4.I love my husband
~I have learned again that we have a "no matter what" marriage.

So where are we now...We are both looking for jobs. Mom is on her third round of Chemo coming this Wednesday. We are still in a lot of debt. I am going to have to put Maddie in daycare when I find a job. We are trying to keep our house, that is still uncertain. We are praying everyday for the provision of the Lord. We are on a journey to become whole and that hurts. On every level of relationship (mom, husband, kids, family, friends) God is calling me to go deeper. This is our season of loss.

But, I have gained so much. I think it will be easier to distinguish that in hindsight. Oh, I can't wait for hindsight. But until then I will say God is always good to me!!! I really believe it. Even in loss, God is still always good. I know there are many of you have much more tragic stories than mine, but that is just it. This in mine. Anyway, I don't even know if anyone will read this. You have probably all removed me from you list. I wonder if this is like the tree analogy. If a blog is written and no one reads it, is it still a blog??