Monday, June 23, 2008

Trust and Betrayal

Well, I have decided to drop a heavy on blogville. I figure no one is reading anyway. Well, where to begin. May 14th seems like a good place. The day before the BFW I was left with a tough decision. I had to choose what I wanted or what was better for the whole. I would like to say I easily choose to do what was better for the whole, but it was a bit of a struggle. But in the end I heard God, made the hard choice, but was pleased that I passed the "love test". The very next day my left ear began ringing. The headaches start. I went through many phases. Angry that it would not go away. Scared that something was seriously wrong with me. Annoyed that my life was interrupted. And at last I settled on feeling betrayed. I felt betrayed by God. Here I was making difficult decisions, passing tests and this is what I get. Now, mind you, it has taken almost six weeks to uncover those feelings. If you would have asked me if I trusted God, I would have answered unequivocally YES. But did I really? Do I really? Here I am six weeks later. Doctors have looked, prescribed medicine, taken blood, ran tests. People have prayed over. I have declared over and yet, the ringing continues. The headaches aren't as bad. Actually yesterday was the first day in 38 days I haven't had a headache.

So here I am. Realizing there are some areas I don't trust God in. There I said in out loud. If I fully trusted God, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure, would I? Now, I will say I know it is crazy. I have a blessed life. I know (in my head) that God is always good. I have dealt with disappointments. Yet, there is always a shadow on the edge. Every good thing has a lingering shadow. Will something bad happen. I know God loves me, but when it comes down to it, he loves ____ more. If someone is going to get the short end of the stick it is going to be me. (These are all lies I have believed)

So yesterday it came to a head. God wants me to trust Him. I left church giving up all my expectations. You see, I have had plans and expected things to be a certain way. For my comfort and my pleasure. And when my expectations haven't been met I was disappointed. I left saying "God, I give up control." In every area God is wanting my trust. But, I will honestly saying it wasn't a joyous experience. I felt heavy and dry.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Bethel's website by Danny Silk called Trust and Betrayal. He put worlds to everything I was feeling. So when it was over, after crying and asking for deliverance I had a little Theophostic moment. I realized I was fairly OK when betrayed by people. See they aren't perfect. When I feel wronged in relationship I can always say, "That person hurt me out of their own wounds and insecurities." I can reconcile that. But there have been times when I felt only God could do something and I felt let down.

About 5 years ago I had a miscarriage. The Monday I went to the doctor and my levels were low, all I could do was pray. And when I miscarried that Saturday I believed a lie of, "You are alone. You have to take care of yourself." So I found the lie, I asked God what the truth was. I saw a picture of Jesus tossing up a little baby boy who was perfect and happy in heaven. I don't know why things happened the way they did, all I know is now, right now, he is in perfection. For some reason, I don't think he would have been here.

So here I am. I am walking through this process. I wanted to just hold it all in and at the end of this tell my victorious testimony. But here I am in the middle. Walking it out. Struggling. But here are some things I know to be true:

I love the Lord with all my heart.
I want to trust Him with everything that concerns me.
I believe when this is over I will.
I have a good life.
God is okay with my questions.
I will see my healing manifest. (Thanks Aaron, you are so right!)
God only has the best for me.
God loves me more than I can ever know.

So, here is where I am. Maybe the lull will remain and no one will see this post. And I can pretend like this never happened.

11 comments:

God's Warrior Bride said...

Sorry there's no lull here. I truly love you honesty. And in that, I must admit I have been and in someways probably still am dealing with the very same issues. I know that God loves me more than I can even imagine and I know that He has only the very best for me, but for some strange reason it seems to remain head knowledge and not heart knowledge. I am having a hard time moving it from one place to the other. Actually it feels like there is a million miles between my head and my heart and the path is loaded with booby-traps. So this is where I am at and I hope the lull remains and no one will read my response to you.

Cyndi said...

WOW... LULL good word that so discribes what I have been feeling and trying to walk thru I would like to know how you got ahold of that sermon I would LOVE to listen to it...
I do seem to listen to my head more than my Heart.

You are so wonderful...
Thanks for the testimony

High in Demand said...

Hey, I wrote a bummer of a post twice today and didn't post it because I wasn't brave enough.

Even in your process of becoming whole you're still a leader! I love that about you.

I don't have any perfect answers for you except that I understand what it's like to not have all the answers.

The thing that helps me is to realize that through the good and the bad I'm going to continue to worship the Lord because of who he is and what he's already done. If nothing else changes in my life I still know what he's already done.

The Durham's said...

Praise Him for His revelations and His grace until we get there. Your words are all too familiar and I praise Him for always "sharpening" don't you? Thanks for sharing your heart...MANY (especially women) don't ever see the deep insecurities that produce their distrust in Him...leading to a hazardous relationship if unattended. What a testimony that needs to be heard. Bless you!

Hulsey Fam said...

how precious our Father is as he brings us into surrender to his plan that was the best on to begin with.... I have struggled so with "control" which is another word for distrust... or unbelief.. God is showing me now how without faith hope is void... bc hope is the very substance faith is made of.. I praise God for you and I praise God for your journey... thanks for the honesty

Ashlee said...

Hi Francesca,
At one time I wrote a theology paper about suffering and at one point I mentioned that it's easier to just toss around the complexities of reconciling God and suffering when you haven't suffered much....but after you've lived and well, things happen...it gets harder. I've learned there are many things I don't understand fully but when it comes down to it you have to stick to what you do know and it sounds like thats exactly the conclusion you are coming to as well. I'm sorry for your medical issues, I pray healing over you! I pray you would be encouraged even in the midst of difficulty and that the the Lord would be near to you.

ANN MCKEE said...

GIRL, YOU KNOW WE ALL READ YOUR BLOG. THERE IS NO ERASING THIS BLOG AND PRETENDING NO ONE READ IT.LOL
WE LOVE YOU AND WE LOVE TO HEAR YOUR INSIGHT.
YOU ALWAYS ENCOURAGE ME WHEN I READ YOUR BLOGS. EVEN THIS ONE MISS FRAN.
IT DOES REFLECT THAT YOU ARE A LEADER. I THINK MANY OF US ARE GOING THROUGH THIS SAME ISSUE.
I THINK GOD IS PREPARING YOU FOR A SERMON THAT YOU ARE TO SHARE WITH US WOMEN.
I FOR ONE WANT TO BE THERE AND HEAR ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY.
I WILL BE ON THE EDGE OF MY CHAIR HANGING ON EVERY WISE WORD YOU HAVE TO OFFER ME.

High in Demand said...

OFF TOPIC:

I SO love how your blog updates the posts for your BLOG LIST.

Now I just check your blog to see if anyone has written anything new. How did you get it to do that?

Too cool.

Ashlee said...

I thought that was neat too, until I realized I no longer made the list. *pretends to be shocked* I guess I just don't post enough...

Ronbot Van Helsing said...

"Theophostic Prayer Ministry" is Scientology in disguise.

A "TPM facilitator" (Scientology Auditor) leads the seeker (Preclear) through a "session" (same term as in Scientology Auditing) of "guided imagery" and "directed visualization" ("Dianetic reverie", "mockups" and "mental image pictures") towards "mind renewal experience" ("Clear") by dealing with past buried memories that may still be bringing you down today ("Engrams").

They claim that they seek to bring you to self-responisibility (Hubbard's "Self determinism") even as they keep you addicted to more and more "TPM Sessions".

They call each person's session a "case" (just like Scientology) and offer "training", "courses" and "seminars" (just like Scientology) in TPM Facilitating, which is simply Auditing without the E-meter.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so so much for this heart touching moment of your life. Not very often in culture do we find real honesty, it is a rare thing coz we are addicted to perfection, all of us including me..... sadly.