Trust and Betrayal

Well, I have decided to drop a heavy on blogville. I figure no one is reading anyway. Well, where to begin. May 14th seems like a good place. The day before the BFW I was left with a tough decision. I had to choose what I wanted or what was better for the whole. I would like to say I easily choose to do what was better for the whole, but it was a bit of a struggle. But in the end I heard God, made the hard choice, but was pleased that I passed the "love test". The very next day my left ear began ringing. The headaches start. I went through many phases. Angry that it would not go away. Scared that something was seriously wrong with me. Annoyed that my life was interrupted. And at last I settled on feeling betrayed. I felt betrayed by God. Here I was making difficult decisions, passing tests and this is what I get. Now, mind you, it has taken almost six weeks to uncover those feelings. If you would have asked me if I trusted God, I would have answered unequivocally YES. But did I really? Do I really? Here I am six weeks later. Doctors have looked, prescribed medicine, taken blood, ran tests. People have prayed over. I have declared over and yet, the ringing continues. The headaches aren't as bad. Actually yesterday was the first day in 38 days I haven't had a headache.

So here I am. Realizing there are some areas I don't trust God in. There I said in out loud. If I fully trusted God, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure, would I? Now, I will say I know it is crazy. I have a blessed life. I know (in my head) that God is always good. I have dealt with disappointments. Yet, there is always a shadow on the edge. Every good thing has a lingering shadow. Will something bad happen. I know God loves me, but when it comes down to it, he loves ____ more. If someone is going to get the short end of the stick it is going to be me. (These are all lies I have believed)

So yesterday it came to a head. God wants me to trust Him. I left church giving up all my expectations. You see, I have had plans and expected things to be a certain way. For my comfort and my pleasure. And when my expectations haven't been met I was disappointed. I left saying "God, I give up control." In every area God is wanting my trust. But, I will honestly saying it wasn't a joyous experience. I felt heavy and dry.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Bethel's website by Danny Silk called Trust and Betrayal. He put worlds to everything I was feeling. So when it was over, after crying and asking for deliverance I had a little Theophostic moment. I realized I was fairly OK when betrayed by people. See they aren't perfect. When I feel wronged in relationship I can always say, "That person hurt me out of their own wounds and insecurities." I can reconcile that. But there have been times when I felt only God could do something and I felt let down.

About 5 years ago I had a miscarriage. The Monday I went to the doctor and my levels were low, all I could do was pray. And when I miscarried that Saturday I believed a lie of, "You are alone. You have to take care of yourself." So I found the lie, I asked God what the truth was. I saw a picture of Jesus tossing up a little baby boy who was perfect and happy in heaven. I don't know why things happened the way they did, all I know is now, right now, he is in perfection. For some reason, I don't think he would have been here.

So here I am. I am walking through this process. I wanted to just hold it all in and at the end of this tell my victorious testimony. But here I am in the middle. Walking it out. Struggling. But here are some things I know to be true:

I love the Lord with all my heart.
I want to trust Him with everything that concerns me.
I believe when this is over I will.
I have a good life.
God is okay with my questions.
I will see my healing manifest. (Thanks Aaron, you are so right!)
God only has the best for me.
God loves me more than I can ever know.

So, here is where I am. Maybe the lull will remain and no one will see this post. And I can pretend like this never happened.