Sunday, June 29, 2008

Worthy is the Lord!!

The theme during worship today seemed to be this - Holy is the Lord, Worthy is the Lord. We sang at least four different songs and this was the reoccurring sentiment. God is Holy. God is Worthy. God is worthy of my praise. It is easy to say this when things are good. Not so much when things aren't. When circumstances are good we worship God because of those circumstances. When things are bad we are supposed to worship God in spite of our circumstances. I have found a few things out the last few weeks.

I can be an ungrateful brat.
God is not bothered by that.
I am guilty of worshiping because of, not in spite of.

Here are some things I have repented of.

For judging God.
For trying to manipulate God
(You know when you want something and your husband says no. So you pout, in the hopes, that he will feel bad and give you what you want. Don't act like you haven't done it. That is manipulation. And I tried it on God. And guess what, it doesn't work. On Billy either)
For withdrawing my trust.
For withdrawing from relationship.
For doubting.

God is Holy and God is worthy of all my love, adoration, and praise. Not because of any reason but who He is. And He is good. All. The. Time!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Trust and Betrayal

Well, I have decided to drop a heavy on blogville. I figure no one is reading anyway. Well, where to begin. May 14th seems like a good place. The day before the BFW I was left with a tough decision. I had to choose what I wanted or what was better for the whole. I would like to say I easily choose to do what was better for the whole, but it was a bit of a struggle. But in the end I heard God, made the hard choice, but was pleased that I passed the "love test". The very next day my left ear began ringing. The headaches start. I went through many phases. Angry that it would not go away. Scared that something was seriously wrong with me. Annoyed that my life was interrupted. And at last I settled on feeling betrayed. I felt betrayed by God. Here I was making difficult decisions, passing tests and this is what I get. Now, mind you, it has taken almost six weeks to uncover those feelings. If you would have asked me if I trusted God, I would have answered unequivocally YES. But did I really? Do I really? Here I am six weeks later. Doctors have looked, prescribed medicine, taken blood, ran tests. People have prayed over. I have declared over and yet, the ringing continues. The headaches aren't as bad. Actually yesterday was the first day in 38 days I haven't had a headache.

So here I am. Realizing there are some areas I don't trust God in. There I said in out loud. If I fully trusted God, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure, would I? Now, I will say I know it is crazy. I have a blessed life. I know (in my head) that God is always good. I have dealt with disappointments. Yet, there is always a shadow on the edge. Every good thing has a lingering shadow. Will something bad happen. I know God loves me, but when it comes down to it, he loves ____ more. If someone is going to get the short end of the stick it is going to be me. (These are all lies I have believed)

So yesterday it came to a head. God wants me to trust Him. I left church giving up all my expectations. You see, I have had plans and expected things to be a certain way. For my comfort and my pleasure. And when my expectations haven't been met I was disappointed. I left saying "God, I give up control." In every area God is wanting my trust. But, I will honestly saying it wasn't a joyous experience. I felt heavy and dry.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Bethel's website by Danny Silk called Trust and Betrayal. He put worlds to everything I was feeling. So when it was over, after crying and asking for deliverance I had a little Theophostic moment. I realized I was fairly OK when betrayed by people. See they aren't perfect. When I feel wronged in relationship I can always say, "That person hurt me out of their own wounds and insecurities." I can reconcile that. But there have been times when I felt only God could do something and I felt let down.

About 5 years ago I had a miscarriage. The Monday I went to the doctor and my levels were low, all I could do was pray. And when I miscarried that Saturday I believed a lie of, "You are alone. You have to take care of yourself." So I found the lie, I asked God what the truth was. I saw a picture of Jesus tossing up a little baby boy who was perfect and happy in heaven. I don't know why things happened the way they did, all I know is now, right now, he is in perfection. For some reason, I don't think he would have been here.

So here I am. I am walking through this process. I wanted to just hold it all in and at the end of this tell my victorious testimony. But here I am in the middle. Walking it out. Struggling. But here are some things I know to be true:

I love the Lord with all my heart.
I want to trust Him with everything that concerns me.
I believe when this is over I will.
I have a good life.
God is okay with my questions.
I will see my healing manifest. (Thanks Aaron, you are so right!)
God only has the best for me.
God loves me more than I can ever know.

So, here is where I am. Maybe the lull will remain and no one will see this post. And I can pretend like this never happened.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Pictures -

Here are some pictures I have taken lately.

Pretty Maddie sleeping!!

Billy and Maddie taking a little nap!!

Avery turned 4 on June 18th

Mom has been painting wheat. So she had me take some pictures.

The Prayer House!!! It is beautiful!!

There is more going on right now. I am just not ready to write about it yet. So for now, this is all I can give you. More will come later.

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Shack, Page 142

"Why do I have so much fear in my life?"

"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fear have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don;t know it."

Francesca looked down once more at the water and breathed a huge sigh of the soul. "I have so far to go."


Lord, deliver me from all my fears. Help me to know your love and goodness without shadow. Help me to trust without reserve. Help me!!!

Monday, June 2, 2008

The Shack -

People use the word life-changing a lot and normally in the wrong place. "That cheesecake was life-changing!" or "This stain-remover will change your life." Whatever. But I will tell you I read a book this weekend that has changed my life. Or it would be more appropriate to say, is changing my life.

The Shack. Read it. You won't be sorry.

There will be more to come on this. I am almost too full to pour it out!