Wednesday, February 7, 2007

What am I doing?

Last night I had class, also had a test I didn't feel completely confident about. So my plan was to go to town a little early, grab a small bite to eat (since I hadn't eaten dinner), eat in my car and study for about 20 minutes before class. Billy had to work late so I didn't get to go to the gym. So I decided to go get a burrito from Bueno. I pulled up to the light at Industrial and Buffalo Gap Rd and realized it was 6:18, which meant I was going to be late. So I skipped Bueno headed straight to class. Took the test, did fine. We got out of class early and I was faced with some options. Go to the gym since I didn't get to earlier (they are open til 10), go straight home, or go to Bueno. So not only did I go to Bueno I ordered ridiculous food and ate all of it. Who ever thought of making Cheesecake Chimichangas. So after to ten minutes of eating, I've been through approximately 20 hours and 36 minutes of "What the heck were you doing." I sabotage myself. I work out very hard in the gym, then I make bad choices eating, get frustrated that I am not seeing any results from working out and decide it's not working, I might as well forget it. Makes me so mad. After years and years of making the wrong choices I find it is not always easy to make the right ones every time. But I want to remember this feeling. The next time the fast food demon calls my name I want to remember this disgust and regret I feel at my shallow self-discipline. I know the small fleeting fleshly joy that comes from good food is nothing compared to the empowering I feel every time I make a hard choice and it's the right decision. I believe this is probably what men feel like when they look at pornography. Strong tug, internal battle, give in for a moment of satisfaction and have days of guilt for not being stronger. So I guess porn can come in different forms. Pray for me!!!

5 comments:

Kevin said...

Francesca I will pray for you! Do not beat yourself up over this slip! You may feel bad or guilty, but that will not change the fact. You made a choice to be healthy, and when that internal tug happens you need to confess the choice outload, confess peace, and if needed call someone who will give you support! I believe that these type of changes take time to stick.

Keep up the good work in the gym! You will thank youself sooner, rather than later.

Ashlee said...

I'm on the other side of this problem -- I've been doing a pretty good job with controlling my eating but I haven't done any exercize yet...thats right ANY (unless you consider shopping exercize) I really need some motivation to start exercizing.

ericaprosser said...

the next time you drive past a fast food restaurant, try to imagine what the floor in the kitchen looks and smells like.

Brenda M Becker said...

from glory to glory.

JesusFreak said...

That is a really good idea Erica. Or try to imagine what the greasy kid who is touching that food looks like.

I am right there with you though Francesca. I do the same exact thing with sabotaging myself. I guess that is the whole point of this competition is to offer each other support, comfort, prayer, and accountability. I just wish I could at least make myself get up and go work out. I pray that an astounding amount of willpower will fill up every corner and nook of your being!